What's Love?

It occurred to me today (go figure!) that eventually my little corner of the blog world might make it's way into the hands of anyone who has less than admirable intentions for reading this. I've seen it happen to other blogger friends, so I want to preface this post by saying a few things.

1. I love my husband. I want nothing more than for us to be reconciled and happy together again. My intentions are NOT say anything bad about him. He is a wonderful human being who has faults, just like the rest of us, me included. I am not here to expose, criticize, or harm him in anyway.
2. I realize that because of the nature of the subject it is easy to take sides. You are hearing only one side here (obvi).
3. I am going to speak about myself here on this blog. What I say will certainly involve my interactions with my husband. I will not use his name.
4. Speaking the Truth is sometimes hard. Even though I haven't yet, I can imagine that I will encounter people who might be upset at me for telling my story. That's OK. I forgive you ahead of time. I am 100% positive that God is prompting me to tell my story of hope, healing and reconciliation.
5. I was approached by one of the Co-Directors of the ministry I am involved with to write an article for our worldwide newsletter. This blog is my way of working out the kinks before I submit my words for global printing.

Whew! Now that that's over..........

I sincerely appreciate ALL of the comments, emails and phone calls I have gotten as a result of sharing my story. What an outpouring of love, encouragement, and hope! THAT is what this is about!!! People sharing wisdom, hope, encouragement, and love.

So today my husband and I had a discussion about LOVE. What is love? How do we need to be shown love? Is it still love if you express it and it is not received the way it was intended? How do we learn to be more loving and accepting of one another? Is love a choice?

My feeling, although I am not entirely sure, is that love IS a choice. It's not something we fall into haphazardly or don't have a say in. We make choices. Everyday. Love is one of them.

Today I learned that I am not loving my husband the way he needs to be loved. What I feel I have  done for the past 20 years in loving him is not how he wanted me to show him love. Pretty earth-shattering, right?

Well, here's just a sprinkle of the things that are in my library.....

I share this because, all this time, I thought that reading some certain book, going to some seminar on marriage, and inventorying other people would give me the rules for being a perfect wife. My intentions are there, my delivery, not so much apparently.

What I learned in this, is that all this time, I was forgetting God, specifically Jesus. Yes, we were married in faith, went to church, and professed to know God. BUT, I never once, in all of these years, until recently, asked God how to love my husband.

I am fairly certain that God would not have told me to read the above list of books. He would not have said, "Deana, just go to this one last seminar and you'll be made!"

He would have told me, had I listened years ago, to look at His Son.

Someone told me recently, that until a Christian truly understands what Jesus did for them on the cross, they won't be able to really understand what love is. Until we take it PERSONAL, that Jesus died for US, and every little sin we've ever committed, we can't possibly understand the enormity of love.

So I hear you questioning......."Jesus died for me, ____________ (fill in the name blank)?" Yes, YOU, and me and my husband and my mother and my father and even that guy down the street that you really don't like. He (God) didn't judge us, or our sins, BEFORE he asked his Son to die for us. He knew we were ALREADY worthy of his love and forgiveness. What does THAT say about love?

So, I have come to the conclusion that I have not been loving my husband with the love of God. Yes, I feel pretty good about what I tried to do on my own. What I didn't try, was asking God how to love him.

I won't go into the details now, but when I DID ask God, how to love my husband, this is what He said........."Pour out the love."

Now, that might not really seem like an answer if I don't truly know what love is, so I asked, "God, what does that look like for me and my marriage?" Now we're getting somewhere, Deana.

And I didn't just stop there. I continue, periodically, to ask the same question, followed by, "God, am I doing this right? Please show me if I am not."

What I DO KNOW, is that if I keep continuing on this path, I will someday experience the love from my husband that I truly desire. (Believe me, I'm stubborn) What I ALSO know, is that becasuse I asked those questions, God has enabled me to FEEL love.....the love of the Father, the love that knows no boundaries, the love that keeps giving even when I can't. THAT'S LOVE, folks.

REAL.
TRUE.
AMAZING.

Love you all! :)

More Crushing News......

So we've told the children, told my parents, and my husband is spending a week in a hotel room. NOTHING. I mean, NOTHING, seems right about this. Part of me wants to run to him and be held in his arms and part of me wants to let my heart harden. Neither of those seem appropriate. For days I had absolutely no idea what to do with myself. I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't clean or do chores. I barely took a shower, threw my hair up in a bun and plopped myself back on the couch. On one of those first days my husband decided to take the kids sledding. Watching the three of them walk out the door without me was my first shock at realizing that I was going to be spending some time alone and I better get used to it. Again, nothing seemed right about it. I should be going with them. I should be laughing and sledding and having fun. BUT my mighty Lord had other plans for me......

Within a week, I got the news that my husband had found a permanent place to live. A year long lease. Yes. A. YEAR. LONG. LEASE. I was crushed beyond belief. A large part of me truly hoped that I would wake up and this would all be some terrible dream. No dream, Deana. No, dream.

On February 4, 2012, my husband showed up at our front door, rang the doorbell and prepared his things to move out. But IN MOVES GOD!!! As he took each box out of the house, each piece of furniture, each sweatshirt, each toothbrush, each part of my heart broke a little more. I panicked for a second, ran up to the closet and grabbed the last thing he had worn. A dress shirt from the week past he had worn at work. It smelled just like him. And because I wasn't ready to give up my fight, I sealed it in a ziploc bag and hid it in one of my drawers. At that moment, the prospect of never smelling his skin again or laying next to him in bed was too overwhelming for me.

I can't remember exactly how it happened but in a God-planned moment I was on the phone with my best friend in NY. A friend who had been there for me four years previous when I had FIRST gotten the news that my marriage was breaking down. Back then she was right around the corner and I spent many moments in her kitchen crying as she hugged me, listened to me and prayed for me and my husband. Now she was many miles away, but as we were on the phone this day....the move-out day....God was calling the shots.

She began to pray for me as I sat defiantly on the one piece of furniture my husband hadn't take out of the basement. Sobbing in a way I never have, we took turns reading from the Bible. First it was Psalms 131-150 and then it was the book of James.

Psalm 132:11-12 reads....."The Lord swore an oath to David with a promise he will never take back: I will place one of your descendants on your throne. If your descendants obey the terms of my covenant and the laws I teach them, then your royal line will continue forever and ever."

Remember that word "covenant." This amazing word comes strongly into my story later on.

Psalm 136 repeats over and over......"His faithful love endures forever."

It was all starting to sink in as we took turns reading. I am fairly certain that my neighbor, who was helping my husband move out, thought I was completely insane. At first I read quietly with my head down, tears rolling down my cheeks. And then, with each word........"promise".........."covenant"........"faithful"......."forever".....I gained strength, and with it, loudness, confidence and hope.

In the book of James we read Chapter 1:12......"God blesses those who patiently endure testing and temptation. Afterward they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him."

Verses 19-21 say........."you must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires. So get rid of all the filth and evil in your lives, and humbly accept the word God has planted in your hearts, for it has the power to save your souls."

Even though God's words have such power, it wasn't in His plan to have my husband hear those Scriptures, stop what he was doing and repent. That was MY plan.

As he drove away, my friend, still on the phone, said, "Deana, God is giving me some words for you. I think you need to write them down and proclaim them in each of the rooms of your house."

READY FOR THIS?

As she told me what to write down, I digested the words and obeyed. For some reason I remembered that I had purchased dried sage some years ago, for who knows what purpose. I ran to get the sage, lit it on fire and blew it out so that it would smoke. In each of my rooms, with my sage burning, I read the following.....

"Satan I rebuke you for attempting to destroy my marriage. I rebuke all of your evil ways. This battle has already been won and fought by my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. This victory is MINE not yours."

Pretty strong, huh, for someone whose former churches never spoke about the Devil?

BUT, it didn't make me uncomfortable. I knew I was doing the right thing. In accordance with the above verses from James, I decided to take some of it LITERALLY, especially the part about "getting rid of all of the filth and evil in your lives." I'm not especially proud of what I did next, but if I'm truthful, it felt like the right thing at the time.

Let me preface this by saying that I DO NOT believe that my husband is evil. I DO believe that he had been under the false truth that Satan had so readily provided him.

Sooooooo, I started in the upstairs and got every piece of everything that my husband left behind. Mugs, pictures, a razor, dirty laundry, hair gel.......all nicely placed out on the lawn for him to pick up upon his return. Much to many who would like to believe otherwise, this was NOT an angry rant made to make my husband look foolish. At the time, it felt like the right thing to do. Rid my home anything that might still be in Satan's grip.

This, however,

was me playing dirty. Disobeying the rules. NOT listening to God's word about forgiveness or love or faith. It was me, being human, leaving a Bible and my dress from our vow renewal on the front lawn. I am not perfect.

In my journal on this day I wrote "The #2 Worst/Best Day of my Life."

#2 because "D-day" was the worst day.

Worst because I can't imagine many things more gut wrenching than watching your husband physically leave your relationship.

And Best because........

1. God thought enough of me to appear on this day and guide me through it, with the help of a loving friend.
2. God had given me words to stand on.......promise.....covenant....faithful....forever.
3. God allowed me to be angry, within reason, and be totally human.
4. God put his mark on my life and my marriage.
5. I started an amazing journey.......one which will have a happy ending.

My Journey......

Dear God,
May the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be pleasing to you oh Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer. (Psalms 19:14)

It is with both sadness and hope that I write this blog post.

But it is time, time to share my story....my journey.....and even my Christmas wish for you.

Ten months ago, three days before my 40th birthday, my husband of 15 years and partner for over 20 years left our marriage. The days leading up to this were some of the worst in my life. My husband has traveled for work since before we even got married and on this week, he happened to be in Herndon, VA, where the headquarters for his work is. The week started with fighting over the phone, tears, angry hang ups and ultimately a phone call to a lawyer.

When he returned on Friday night, there were no kisses, no hugs, and barely even a hello. As I fought back tears of hurt and anger, my six-year old daughter caught a glimpse of my glassy eyes. "What's wrong Mommy?" she asked. My response was, "Honey, I just want Daddy to hug me too." WRONG. THING. TO SAY.

Immediately she came to my protection and confronted her Dad. "Why won't you hug Mommy, Daddy?" (No answer) "Daddy, Mommy wants a hug, will you please hug her?" The response she got went something like this....."I can't right now, Sweetie."

The rest is a whirlwind. Next thing I knew I was calling my parents to come get the kids so that my husband and I could talk.

They arrived, took the kids and left me and my husband alone at our house. I don't think my heart has ever beat faster, louder or more defiant in my life. As we sat, across the room from one another I asked the question no one wants to hear the answer to......"Do you still want to be married to me?" (No answer). Let me re-phrase that......"Do you want a d---orce?" (Still no answer). Knowing that one of us had sought the council of an attorney in the days before, I knew I had to get the answer to my question.

AND BOY DID I GET IT! Five times I got the answer NO ONE wants to hear. Five times it took to settle in my heart that I had just lost the only man I have ever loved. Five times it took for me to wrap my arms around the idea of being single again for the first time in 20 years. Five times it took for me to swallow the bulge in my throat and ask the question again. Five times I got the same answer.

ONE TIME, God gave me HIS answer....

"Deana, this isn't the end. Just pray and be still. Be still and know that I am with you."

So I was still AND calm AND amazingly I felt safe. Safer than I have EVER felt in my life.

As we gave the news to the kids my complete horror returned for just a moment. They screamed in disbelief and begged us not to say it was true. I held them both on my lap and let my husband talk. I held them tighter and stronger that I have ever held them in my life. I held on to them with the arms of God strengthening and calming them, knowing that although this would be hard, it would not be the end. I prayed for the peace that passes all understanding to envelope them and give them hope. I prayed that this news wouldn't crush them beyond repair. I prayed that God had them in His hands, although I was certain that He did.

I have to stop my story now. What I thought I could write in a few paragraphs, I  now realize needs more time, more words, more detail. This is me. Raw. Vulnerable. Sad, but with a HOPE and knowledge that I pray will touch many, many lives.

THIS IS A STORY OF RECONCILIATION AND HOPE. Make no bones about it. God is in control here. Not me, not my husband. Not our friends, not our families. JUST GOD.

And for now I leave you with....

Romans 8:28 And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.

Thank you my friends for letting me share my story.

To be continued..........

Dear God.....

Lord, I thank you. Thank you for the blessings in my life. Please create in me the ability to write this blog in Your glory, if it is Your will. Guide me in what to write about. I am Yours, Lord, always and forever. Amen

Ok, I'm gonna try this again!!!!....I think.

Hi. I know. MIA.............but no regrets. I stopped blogging 2 years ago, after a very short stint because I felt like I didn't know where I was going with it. My life was getting more complicated and I didn't want the blog to be about me, in particular, so I decided to stop for awhile. Who knew it would take me two years to get back to it.

Writing is DEFINITELY a passion for me (it always has been), so instead of blogging, I went back to basics and started journaling again. What a relief that was! Exposing my thoughts, likes, dislikes, struggles, but only for my eyes this time.

It's only been in the past few months that I've been thinking about blogging again. This time with a real purpose. Now the question is........which purpose is that?

Well............one of the things I am passionate about is my faith in God. I could write until I was slumped over a computer, with zero energy, sagging, bloodshot eyes and my Keurig defunct, about The Man Upstairs. He would pick me up, make me feel like a million bucks, and start me writing all over again. God's just like that. When I am at my weakest, He is there......ever strong, ever faithful, ever enduring.

My other obv. passion is my kiddos! With only a week and a half into the summer we have started "Camp Mom," (which my 12 year old says with a snarl and grunt). With a teaching background, I have come up with an entire summer's worth of activities, crafts, field trips, learning, and real life experiences (again, with a roll of the eyes and an exasperated look from the 12 year old). I KNOW other mom's out there are struggling with the same "mommy guilt" as I do. That could DEFINITELY be a topic of wide conversation.



To the right you will see that I am trying to use amazon.com to show you some cool things that I like or use in my household. I haven't worked out the kinks yet.........I was trying to list what songs are on my ipod right now, but I haven't quite figured out how to do that yet. Amazon also supposedly lets me link to products I've purchased, use, or recommend. Haven't figured that one out either....UGGH!!

Well, that's it for now.........

Anxious, Depressed, you name it!!!

I haven't written in so long. The truth be told, who really wants to hear about someone else being miserable? So I thought I'd take a break until I felt better. Well, I'm kind of feeling better, but not really. I just realized that I missed blogging. I miss being connected....because really, this is what it's all about...being connected.

There have been a lot of developments on the homefront. Koji has traveled for the past 4 weeks and that alone makes me completely anxious. I was telling him.....a week or so is no problem. I psych myself up for it: I can have a quiet night, watch a girl movie, read a book, etc. And that's all good for a week or two and then I just miss him terribly and the kids start to fall apart and the whole world feels like it's caving in on me.

That brings up the issue of moving. Ughhhhhhh! I almost can't even think about it. First of all, if you can't already tell.....I LOVE PHILLY!!!! Really, I do. I've lived here since graduating from college many years ago and it's what I consider my home (not that crappy town I grew up in!) I know my way around, have lots of friends, my family is here now, and I just generally like where we live.

However, if we moved to VA, Koji would rarely have to travel. He does almost 90% of his travel to VA. I really don't want to start over again in a new place, learning the ropes, the schools, the people, the places, etc. etc. But am I just being selfish? What about the kids? What would the impact be on them? Better or worse or somewhere in between.

Did I mention that just a month or so after we moved into our current house, I found out I was pregnant with Kaiya, so unpacking and setting up and decorating took me YEARS. Everything pretty much stopped because I was pregnant. I was so tired all of the time (what's new, right?) and basically had to do EVERYTHING by myself. So consequently, it took awhile.

Me, being the perfectionist that I am, wouldn't have people over until the house was finished. I hated people coming in and thinking "wow, they're not unpacked yet?" My house is a direct reflection of ME. If it's not clean, organized, decorated, etc. I'm a mess inside.

Ok well, like I said, I wanted to quick write a post and update the blog. Still hoping to get more readers. Eventually, I'd like this to be a place where I can post what I'm feeling and get feedback and support from readers so that I can feel connected and can grow.

I'll leave you with a picture of my Southern Savannah GF and BFF, Susan and I. She is such and inspiration to me. She's gotten me through a lot in life. One of those people you can always count on. LOVE YA, girl!!!

Weekend Recap...

I really dislike the unknowningness (yes I know that's not a word, but you get it) of the weekend. It makes me frustrated and anxiety-ridden to sit around all day and do nothing. Most weekends I try to keep the fam busy and do something either locally or in Center City. This weekend, no plans, so I'm frustrated with myself.

Here's a recap:

• Friday night - leaving CVS parking lot....get hit by some random woman that's not paying attention to where she's going.....STINKS.....my car......smashed in the back.
• Friday night, part 2 - go to bookclub and no one really shows up. Have a good time with the girls that are there. Drank 3 Alabama Slammers (thanks Melissa) and ate too much.
• Saturday - slept in, but became frustrated b/c I did. Wake up to chocolate covered strawberries made by the kids and hubby.
• Saturday pm - kids melt down....and it's family intervention time. Feel like I should have already earned my MS in Psychology.
• Saturday late pm - FINALLY watch "New Moon." Really just want to watch a movie and bawl my brains out, but New Moon doesn't do it for me, darn it.
• Sunday am - clean, clean......hubby cleaning out the garage (OMG!!!!) and getting ready to take the kids to see "Diary of a Wimpy Kid." Don't feel like cooking today. Wish I had a gourmet vegetarian chef.

That's it for now. Hope you're having a great rest of the weekend!!!!