It occurred to me today (go figure!) that eventually my little corner of the blog world might make it's way into the hands of anyone who has less than admirable intentions for reading this. I've seen it happen to other blogger friends, so I want to preface this post by saying a few things.
- I love my husband. I want nothing more than for us to be reconciled and happy together again. My intentions are NOT say anything bad about him. He is a wonderful human being who has faults, just like the rest of us, me included. I am not here to expose, criticize, or harm him in anyway.
- I realize that because of the nature of the subject it is easy to take sides. You are hearing only one side here (obvi).
- I am going to speak about myself here on this blog. What I say will certainly involve my interactions with my husband. I will not use his name.
- Speaking the Truth is sometimes hard. Even though I haven't yet, I can imagine that I will encounter people who might be upset at me for telling my story. That's OK. I forgive you ahead of time. I am 100% positive that God is prompting me to tell my story of hope, healing and reconciliation.
- I was approached by one of the Co-Directors of the ministry I am involved with to write an article for our worldwide newsletter. This blog is my way of working out the kinks before I submit my words for global printing.
I sincerely appreciate ALL of the comments, emails and phone calls I have gotten as a result of sharing my story. What an outpouring of love, encouragement, and hope! THAT is what this is about!!! People sharing wisdom, hope, encouragement, and love.
So today my husband and I had a discussion about LOVE. What is love? How do we need to be shown love? Is it still love if you express it and it is not received the way it was intended? How do we learn to be more loving and accepting of one another? Is love a choice?
My feeling, although I am not entirely sure, is that love IS a choice. It's not something we fall into haphazardly or don't have a say in. We make choices. Everyday. Love is one of them.
Today I learned that I am not loving my husband the way he needs to be loved. What I feel I have done for the past 20 years in loving him is not how he wanted me to show him love. Pretty earth-shattering, right?
Well, here's just a sprinkle of the things that are in my library.....
What I learned in this, is that all this time, I was forgetting God, specifically Jesus. Yes, we were married in faith, went to church, and professed to know God. BUT, I never once, in all of these years, until recently, asked God how to love my husband.
I am fairly certain that God would not have told me to read the above list of books. He would not have said, "Deana, just go to this one last seminar and you'll be made!"
He would have told me, had I listened years ago, to look at His Son.
Someone told me recently, that until a Christian truly understands what Jesus did for them on the cross, they won't be able to really understand what love is. Until we take it PERSONAL, that Jesus died for US, and every little sin we've ever committed, we can't possibly understand the enormity of love.
So I hear you questioning......."Jesus died for me, ____________ (fill in the name blank)?" Yes, YOU, and me and my husband and my mother and my father and even that guy down the street that you really don't like. He (God) didn't judge us, or our sins, BEFORE he asked his Son to die for us. He knew we were ALREADY worthy of his love and forgiveness. What does THAT say about love?
So, I have come to the conclusion that I have not been loving my husband with the love of God. Yes, I feel pretty good about what I tried to do on my own. What I didn't try, was asking God how to love him.
I won't go into the details now, but when I DID ask God, how to love my husband, this is what He said........."Pour out the love."
Now, that might not really seem like an answer if I don't truly know what love is, so I asked, "God, what does that look like for me and my marriage?" Now we're getting somewhere, Deana.
And I didn't just stop there. I continue, periodically, to ask the same question, followed by, "God, am I doing this right? Please show me if I am not."
What I DO KNOW, is that if I keep continuing on this path, I will someday experience the love from my husband that I truly desire. (Believe me, I'm stubborn) What I ALSO know, is that becasuse I asked those questions, God has enabled me to FEEL love.....the love of the Father, the love that knows no boundaries, the love that keeps giving even when I can't. THAT'S LOVE, folks.
Love you all! :)