I know that in the past I have shared about my eating disorder (here's a sample), but there was one post in particular that got a lot of comments and I deleted it. It was me describing my obsession with my scale. People looked at me in person and wondered why in the heck I still wanted to lose weight. At the time, I was not at my goal weight and even though I had lost around 30 lbs, some people didn't understand why I wanted to lose more. Losing more was ALWAYS my goal. In fact, I think if I had gotten to my goal weight I would have probably made an even lower goal.
Some people claimed to not understand my obsession with my scale, but I think they really DID understand, but just wanted to show concern for me wanting to be too thin. In Made to Crave, by Lysa TerKerurst DEFINITELY would have understood my obsession with my scale. In fact, in Chapter 2 of the book Lysa writes....(pg. 27)
"I roll over and look at the clock. Another day. Beyond all reason and rationality, I slide out of bed and strip off everything that might weigh even the slightest ounce as I head to the scale. May today will be the day the scale will be my friend and not reveal my secrets. Maybe somehow overnight the molecular structure of my body shifted and today I will magically weigh less."
Lysa and I CAN'T be the only ones who share this obsession. At the time I was a slave to the scale. Good number means good day. Bad number means bad day. Most times my goal for myself was to at least lose a pound a day. Pretty aggressive and probably unattainable.
I remember at one point, that I limited myself to under 500 calories per day. Counting every calorie made me nuts. I constantly felt deprived. And my battle with my will continued as I denied myself everyday things like a homemade chocolate chip cookie or even more than a few drops of sour cream.
But as I said in the last post, God was not in this previous battle. It was me.....the scale....and the enemy. I never allowed God to tell me what HE wanted me to eat. Every calorie, every loss, every gain, every step on the scale was a huge battle that could not be won without Him.
So, now that I am back up to my 50 pound gain and the Lord has assured me that with Him all things are possible (Matthew 19:26) I am ready to let Him in. Let Him lead. Let Him show me the way. Because really, who better to do it? God is right.........if I had faith in him to heal my marriage........why do I find it hard for myself to trust Him in this matter. Nothing is too difficult for Him (Jeremiah 32:26-27). He is the God that parted the Red Sea. He is the God that gave Abraham and Sarah a child in their golden years. He is the God that saved Daniel in the Lion's Den. He is the God that allowed David to bring down a giant with a tiny stone. What makes me think my problem is bigger?
........my battle is not bigger. It is just the fact that God loves me that allows Him to show me the path to a brighter, healthier future.
During Advent I was completely angry with God. As Lysa described, I would get on the scale and not see any movement. One day, after taking a shower, I completely lost it in my closet trying to pick out something to wear. I have a big closet full of clothes that don't fit. What does fit? My sweat pants, my leggings and a few shirts. I fell to the floor and just cried. I cried the cry that I once did when I felt so helpless when my husband was gone. Not weeping....heaving.
I picked myself off the floor, got dressed again, in the same old sweats and made my way back to the bathroom. I heard God say......"just be patient."
Un-Coincidentally, I happened to be doing an Advent Bible Study, with my friend and former classmate, Jenn Taylor, of Taylor Made Wellness. She and I were talking one day and she shared her battle with the diet demons. Jenn is an almost 20 year veteran in the Health and Wellness industry (see here). All I could think was, if Jenn is battling the diet demons, this issue must be bigger than I realize.
Several weeks later Jenn announced that she was going to be doing the Proverbs 31 online Bible study of Made to Crave. She invited people from her Facebook page to join her. I had seen Made to Crave in the Christian book store but had never picked it up. Jenn also announced that she would do an additional conference call for those of us wanting to do the study with her. I was ALL in!!!!
God was working. Setting the path......like he always does.
I signed up on the Proverbs 31 website, bought the book, and prepared to end this crazy mode forever. We are now three weeks into the study and I have lost 5 pounds, but let me tell you they are the BEST five pounds I have ever lost.
These pounds were lost with God's grace, God's love and God's mercy. Getting to know him better everyday he has rewarded me......not with the lost pounds, but with a closer relationship to Him. Everyday I look forward to figuring this whole thing out. The obsession. The scale. The weight. I KNOW at the end of this journey they will all be gone. I am trusting in my Lord Jesus to show me what he has in store........